Going back to college after four years is reminding me why i love cheating... they dont let me cheat on tests but they sure try hard to make me cheat on my girl
i just lost my virginity over my 3 hour lunch break..
u hav a 3 hour lunch break?!
i like how the length of my lunch break is the thing that phases u
Fair warning: We've transformed the living room into a giant tent.
He told him to "throw up in my mouth like I'm a baby bird."
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
Lazier than spoon feeding yourself popcorn and debating adult diapers so you don't have to leave the mentalist marathon on tv?
I also love beards. The playoffs are like christmas for my vagina.
I think I'm gonna quit partying for awhile. Piercing my own nose is where I draw the line.
Im not coming back to that place until im drunk. If I walk in there sober Ill start screaming uncontrollably. Not words, just sounds.
I miss you, too. It's hard to sleep without anything licking my head.
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
She gave me a boner for the first time in 9 years.
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
I'm naked and there are two trees and a yield sign
Be right there
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