I want a gay best friend. or apple sauce either one is fine with me
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
You said that about some fat chick sitting on the base of a lamp post and puking. Downright heroic.
I don't know what he did to me, but he did it wrong. I think my pelvis is broken. I cant even drive without it hurting. What. The. Fuck.
If I believed in "responsibility" and "having limits", I would probably say I consumed too much alcohol in the last 48 hours
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
i was enjoying my post acid trip trance a little too much. i found $50 on the sidewalk but didnt pick it up. just stared at the bill cuz it looked cool.
someone picked it up and i stared at the ground where it was for probably another minute or 2
Don't ever feel guilty about what you put in your mouth best advice my gma ever gave me lmao
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
I'm naked on my couch and just ate a chip that was in my belly button.. my 20s have been weird.
You yell at me for being attracted to older guys and you're over here condoning murder
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
I feel so accomplished. I've cleaned my room, done laundry, called those places, gotten jobs, and masturbated.
I'm so proud of you.
Randomize
