when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
tan lines, throwing up everclear on the beach, doing lifeguards, tequila...summer.
I hope he's okay, but I also hope he shows up with an eyepatch
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
So note to self oboe reeds soaked in Apple Rubinoff sound GREAT.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
I have tan lines from my nipple rings.
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
Dude the little bong I just got fits nicely in the cup holder in my car. The gods approve of my habits.
we played his NES Classic. Turns out there is a warp zone to my vagina.
Worst sex ever! He was a talker for sure! I was on top and out of no where he said "Oh you bad bitch?" I stopped and left.
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