I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
grab my backpack.....its in the fridge
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
We lived together for a year and neither of us knew we were both gay.
All I got from that conversation with the officer was "blah blah blah, you're disgusting, blah blah blah, $500 fine, blah blah blah, be in court Tuesday."
Just got a handjob from a 19 year old in front of the Parthenon. The Greek god of debauchery would be proud.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Thinking of someone think of me while masturbating while I masturbate. & that's how the over thinkers do it ✌️
I slept awesome next to you. You're like an electric blanket that I can have morning sex with.
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
It's 1am and I'm on LSD and I have diarrhea in a Dunkin Donuts. Help me
Yeah last night got weird fast. No lie, a kid pulled a butt-plug with a tail out of his ass.
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
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