I totally have a Rabbi on speed dial now. Keep it Kosher.
walkin home..,.jsut saw the cheshire cat
watch out for the queen of hearts
fuucck i forgot ab her
I thought he was joking about bailing you out until I saw the picture of you and the sheep in the morning paper. Were those my boots you had on it
My RA tried to compliment my pong tables design after he confiscated it
eating taco bell the same day as formal = probably a bad idea
just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
i walked toward the cop car thinking it was the liquor store lights nd by that time it was too late to escape the trap
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
I made my own utility belt like Batman. It has a cup holder for my beer, cell phone holder, a little pocket for condoms, and a sewing kit just in case.
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
Girl it's 3:30 get your life together and come enjoy a bowl, some coffee and a brownie with me
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD
THE HOT GUY IS YOUR DAD?!?!?!?!???
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