I got chris browned last night
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
Things I have learned since the start of my first college spring break: do not fart in an enclosed space (such as a shower stall) when hungover. You will throw up. More lessons to follow as week continues.
I cant believe im wasting my plan b experience on this guy. I should have saved it for someone special.
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
My week is over as of 8pm tonight, and I'm herpes free...Let's rage
Halfway through lecture, some kid in the front row threw up IN his hands. Professor held the door for him to carry it out.
And now I have fucked a local celebrity so double free drinks at bars.
She cried the whole movie and got kicked out for saying "[Santa's beard] looks so soft I wanna stick my dick in it." We're going again next week. Drunk animation majors are the best
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
I told him we could use my stove to make weed brownies, from that point on he kept reffering to me as "best pledge ever"
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
A to Z: fucking your way through the alphabet
It'll be a kids book
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
I miss all the tiny banana hammocks... When can I go back to ogling? I can do it from a lot farther than six feet without any complaints.
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