i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
No.. It's totally over.. He deleted the poke I sent him.. That makes it official.
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I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
ttyl tear gas
There are at least 3.6 billion human cocks in this world. Get some. Get as many as humanly possible. Literally. Do it. 1-2-3 go!
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
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Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
She was giving me head while we were in my tree house, my mom then came out to let the dog out so she stopped so I would stop groaning, was it good? You tell me
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
Then I did coke with my taxi driver where he then ended up paying me for the drive. You should try being a girl sometime it's super sick.
i just remember that i was on top of him and he wasnt contributing to the event much.. god i hope he wasnt asleap.
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