my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
I think you came in my ear last night and I had to pick it out infront of my kids in class today
I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
First day in a very long time I've done more pushups than bong rips
Just almost drowned myself in the shower again. I need an adult.
I'm seriously scared right now. Woke up next to 3 geese and a lot of feathers ..
drunkkkkk be here I heart you
I will warn you that there is a pic of me riding a buffalo....and for the record, I was completely sober!!
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