I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
Because if the best sex I've ever had was with a gay guy, then God help me.
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
I like using largw condoms because they are more comfortable but also I feel bad because it's like false advertisement
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
I heard them banging and it sounded like he was trying to stuff a fucking coconut into her
I'll pass on that plan. The lack of my penis in new vaginas is no where on the itinerary.
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
Me and my dad hot boxed a hotel bathroom... That's what I call father son bonding
I think the cats may be lesbians. It could just be a two hour mutual bath but it sure looks like a 69.
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