the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
Sarah Palin is going to have a show on the discovery channel...Can I get a moment of silence for knowledge?
her cat watched me eat her out... I would use the alternate term for both of those things but it's too weird.
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
By the third Id pass back i figured the bouncer had fucked one of us.
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
By chance and just chance did you find a cock ring? By chance
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
YAS. BRING CRAB.
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
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