She might as well just lie down with one of those red "Easy Buttons" next to her
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
So glad the long weekend is over so I can bring this bender to a merciful end.
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
We will let tequila do the talkin this weekend
It's becoming clear to me that I am not sugar baby material. I don't think I could handle old balls long term.
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
Spotify says I’m in the top 1% of Indigo Girls fans worldwide. Didn’t know I would peak this early.
Aren’t you trying to seem...less lesbian?
I am going to constantly be reminded of you for the next couple of days because of how sore my vagina is. It's just the price I have to pay.
Randomize
