yeah for some reason your penis didn't fit in my mouth the other day
Anthony wouldn't know good sex if it sat on his face
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
We made a percocet pizza. And then i made an unfortunate decision.
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
i think my mom would be mad if i was pregnant. last time i was she grounded me for a week.
Things are burning & the world smells of peanut butter. It's beautiful.
This is simple. Just sex and high fives. No feelings.
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
I think pretend fucking a camel is a good thing to do downtown. They loved me.
I'll get tired halfway through and end up passed out at a taco shack honestly
Already doing pt exercises by picking my margarita up off the night stand. Fuck yeah.
Youre a wreck. Youll be in your dorm weeping to project runway covered in pizza sauce and smelling of stale beer
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
Randomize
