OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
I'm still in shock that he came by my house for five minutes dropped off a Teddy bear and went to the strip club on valentines day
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
My vagina is not really on board with my "emotional issues"
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
you and him went to the park at 2am to "catch a pigeon" and ACTUALLY CAME BACK WITH A PIGEON
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
I'm facebook/twitter stalking the guy I just slept with as he's passed out next to me. What a time to be alive...
I need to wear something that says I would have sex with you but I'm not going to
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
starting to feel like a fuck wizard with a magical sixth sense for people fucking.
Couch. On fire.
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
Randomize
