Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
the fair has chocolate covered bacon...impossible is nothing.
I made him ride the giant pony statue in my friends little sisters room before i let him get in the bed.
When he gets asked "is it in?" more than his name you arent missing out on much more than a petite tampon.
Yo plow her in the living room were all outside tommy wants to see
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
Just participated in the saddest thing: Cheetos. Handjob. I have lost at life
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
Just took an Adderall with Pedialyte so I think that's a valid answer to "how are you doing"
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
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