The worst thing that has ever happened to me happened today. I was taking donations at goodwill and someone donated a clearly used vibrator
I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
im so drunk with asians
where?
always
Just found the book "How to Stay Christian in College" on my roommates desk. At a loss for words...
You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
I've decided the third guy that I slept with is who I lost my virginity to...
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
Oh I woke up in my neighbors garage using one of their sleeping bags, as my neighbor was doing laundry in there.
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
Randomize
