Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
So drunk can't even tell it's my own house. WOaoOw.
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
There is a pink thong attached to a bottle of svedka hanging from my ceiling fan..is this yours?
eat the baked goods on the counter at your own risk... i made them while i was angry and drunk so they most likely have pubes in them
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal
javelin tossed one of my crutches in to the mosh pit at the concert, hit some dude in the temple hahah fuck him he sucks
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
Well. I hope my dad likes whatever sweater stoned me picks out.
I woke up to both of you drawing on me in sharpie, unless a glorious threesome was had the night before that is not okay.
Who says it wasn't?
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
Randomize
