You and your empty threats of no sex. Like.u.cud.hold.out.
i almost got kicked out of the rave because i was trying to get in on some couple's makeout sessions
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
I know he is still a student. I am not asking if his being an underwear model makes it more ethical, just less prosocutable.
The school security guard knows my name.... I think I'm missing some memories...
There will always be a place in my black heart for him because he gave me my first sex-induced orgasm. While you slept on the bunk above.
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
I didn't have any lime for my chaser.. so after my shot I ate a handful of lime flavored chips. Didn't work so great.
Randomize
