When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
her vagina looked like bernie madoff
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
Bad idea. College students cannot afford both alcohol and a cat. Unless said cat is irish, and can feed itself with fifths of whisky.
I'm legit concerned I might pass out this weekend from having too much sex.
At some point we were all eating banana flavored rolling papers.
u r missing out we r watching a tranny direct traffic in a gstring
I definitely did a line of something I don't know with a Pagan biker. I make good decisions.
Ok! I picked up an anti-celebratory bottle of champagne on the way to dinner for her going to rehab. That's how I feel about this...
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
So I have three weeks to get rid of his girlfriend and fuck him senseless before he goes to jail
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
Randomize
