I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
he got kicked out of the bar for falling asleep on the mechanical bull.. then freaked on us cause we wouldnt go to the strip club with him
I cannot be this high in this house. This house has so many of my secrets in its walls.
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
I'm 50% weirded out and 50% into it
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
Man, I want to make his penis a sandwich.
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
suburban family judging/laughing at us after Jenna just pulled two flasks out of her boot on the subway
Randomize
