i have a strong urge to join the asians in the park doing tai chi. I think im still high .
my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
don't act like you've never hung your towel on your dick after getting out of the shower
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
You have not lived until you and a ginger miget chick are jumping and waving your arms in a pitch black bathroom to turn on the motion lights. Yes, today I have officially lived.
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
I can feel your judgement through the phone
Once the overwhelming "oh god my crotch is on fire" wears off, that excite stuff is really nice
He had been licking my nipple for like 5 minutes and it wouldn't get hard. He asked me to lick my own and when I did, instant hardness. I realized I'd rather have sex with myself then this guy ..
There is a sex dungeon behind the wine cellar. This is why I hate showing foreclosures.
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
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