i can't believe i had my finger in that
you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
there are so many fish in the see you have left to fuck
you kept shouting how the only tree you would hump is an elm tree because they're under populated
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
I just want to fuck you then discuss implications of our existence afterwards. Then Doritos and hot tub.
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
So I just sneezed blood everywhere. On the upside. After yesterday I feel way more confident AND I give even less of a fuck.
The chances of me making out with someone next weekend are about the same as me not remembering it.
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
Randomize
