plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
i've decided to use this saturday afternoon to take care of my pube situation
All I remember is saying that "fire will make it all better"
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
i jsut waqnnna hugg thw crap outa sokme peoplee
i'd say i'm about at weeping-uncontrollably-in-a-puddle-of-my-own-tears-and-urine level
Dude it was bad... like you fell asleep around the toilet after drinking from the back tank bad.
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
Dude. Going to the Theme park the day after the 4th of July was the worst idea I've ever had.
Seriously I am not buying you condoms anymore. You're 22, if you aren't woman enough to buy them yourself then you don't deserve orgasms. Grow some tits.
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
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