You love popeyes more than me
does delicious chicken come out of your vagina?
Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
riding the spinning bikes at the rec after Valentines Day was a baaddddd idea
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
Almost just stuck my dick in my bong for no reason
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
Some dude with an OSU jersey just kissed him in the face in front of everyone. I should mention he's wearing a Panda costume. And has already been offered $20 for his suit by Plushies for oral sex.
Who doesnt want to be Yoda? I mean seriously, how sweet would that be? Live to 400, not give a shit about love and all that, know fucking mind tricks and smoke awesome swamp weed. I'm down.
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
Drunk is not a location!
It's almost like he's actually taking my commentary and criticism to heart, but simultaneously succumbing to some primal urge to wear less clothing each time.
He’s over 6 feet has amazing posture and went to Harvard and has an awesome job and a great dick and loves Jesus and is an organ donor
Is this the guy you have listed as free food in your phone
Noooo he’s listed as free food #5
Randomize
