I hate your face
Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
remember the used condom we threw behind my bed? my mom found it and is accusing me and making a big deal out of it,
Haha! You pissed me off, so I actually told her to go look behind your bed. Good thing I moved to Nevada, so your dad can't kick my ass. Good luck bitch.
it was like that last scene in "It's A Wonderful Life" but with alcohol
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
He got completely naked and is now just standee there next to my bed poking at my hamster. Why can't I get sex the normal way.
He's socially awkward. He has a big dick. We've had this talk before, they're socially awkward because they don't leave the house they just sit home and play with it.
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
My dick hurts from so many people grabbing it last night. We're not going back to that club
This is irresponsible on your part, leaving me alone in a bar.
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
Randomize
