Goal for tonight: Make one last drunken mistake for the semester.
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
Remind me if I threw up on you last night or if that was just a dream.
At this point, I really just need a sign in sheet for my vagina.
The fact that he is from Canada is way more embarrassing than the fact that you met him on match.com
Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
In all fairness that 65 year old man looked 23 in club lighting so you can fuck right off
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
Awesome. I did a rain go away dance. And it went away. Nbd just cotrollin the weather with my mind and sweet dance moves
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
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