this kid down the hall keeps banging on his drums...i feel like i'm living in jumanji
He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
My only regret is not throwing up on the conveyor belt in the dining hall
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
Starting the weekend with a pair of pants on which the zipper wont stay up. Is this a sign of things to come??
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
he's a fucking beast. people that don't even know him have started calling him "puke and raleigh"
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
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