She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
dude on moped wearing crocs...somebody get this guy his man card back
Stop staring at my boobs, I can't concentrate
Well how do you think I feel
fair enough
just heard this guy tell a story about how he got boat head. i want his life
Because the last time i saw or spoke to him he came all over me in a hammock.
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
I threw up in a Buffalo Wild Wings and then got a high-five. I really don't understand America
How many other adults do you think have slept naked under the Winnie the Pooh blanket sober?
HIS DICK IS GLORIOUS AND I WANT TO RIDE IT TO VALHALLA
Did he hurt you? I have a crowbar I can beat his sorry ass with
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
I wish u could call a dildo. Like you do a missing cell phone.
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
Randomize
