i just won a 100 dollar gift card to walmart in a karaoke contest...i love kentucky
hot girl, 5 o clock
do you know how to read a clock?
I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
"Tuesday" and "open-bar" shouldn't be used in the same sentence.
So should I finish watching Space Jam and then get head? Or get head while secretly watching Space Jam?
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
He's a douche. But I like the way he chokes me.
I'm like the kinda excited when David After Dentist stands up in his seat, screams, and collapses
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
who knew being a fake dominatrix could be so fun?
Her pegging playlist is all heavy metal so stay away if you wanna keep your ass intact
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