i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
Wine smoothie.... Not as good as I thought it would be
Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
life is no where near the amusement park it was when I was on Vicodin.
I'm doing it for my vagina. You should understand that
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
Ps I got my nipple pierced. You're just gonna have to accept me for the tool I am and I don't wanna hear any shenanigans.
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
Rain drop, shock top, drinking can't stop stop
I complemented his smile, he sends me a dick pic. Seriously?
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
Let's not forget that we had sex on the ground in public tonight.
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
Randomize
