New universal law, if a movie has a Rob Zombie song in it, its probably a bad movie.
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
omg theres cum all over the american flag and now its up in front of his house.
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
I'm ready to take a few years of my life this weekend
It makes me really sad that some people start their saturdays running or biking instead of with 3 shots of tequila, a sausage biscuit, freaks & geeks and 2 orgasms.
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore
If my penis could make facial expressions, it would constantly have a smile on.
i'll llet you know if at any point this night starts to make any sense
I feel like we'd have a lot of fun being drunk at a dog show.
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
I think I had Hypothermia but was too drunk to notice.
if wiping your ass w an envelope isnt the definition of hitting "financial rock bottom " then nothing is!
Randomize
