Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
I love my bros weed
Im gonna hate it in like 20 mins though
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
If she's steering anything, it's a religious boat of crazy. Destination: Iceberg.
NO HOOKUPS IN THE CAR. I will try as i might to practice what i preach, but there are no guarantees.
In related news... Actually, nope. I don't have any orgy-related news. You win.
I know this is super early in advance but can I borrow your horse mask on 4/20
AND I HAVE A NICE COCK! A STRIPPER TOLD ME SO IT MUST BE TRUE!
Jesus Christ. Even your cock has to be an overachiever. :-(
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
momentary stint on a second floor library computer...guy next to me snorted blue adderall off his notebook through a cut straw, i cant tell if this guy is my hero or just plain crazy...
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