We were so tired we rock paper scissored for who would be on top. I won.
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
I came home ate all of my roomates poptarts and then vommited on her duvet cover. I don't think today is the day to suggest the whole "sex instead of rent money" idea
I told him we couldn't hang out because I had strep, he said he's had it once so he couldn't get it again. The sex isn't worth this level of stupidity
You destroyed the landscape if my vagina FOREVER.
Any time you can't remember a night, and you wake up in a sorority house, it's fucking worth it.
Sidenote: do you recall your "give me the d" chant
He just took a bite of each taco bell burrito and hid them throughout my apartment. this was 2 weeks ago and have found 30 burritos so far
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
Randomize
