I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
I had to do a class evaluation today & the girl beside me didn't fill in any bubbles she just wrote in huge letters RETIRE across the whole sheet
I'm gonna wear that dress that makes me look like a slut. You know, the one your sister got arrested in.
I will call him whatever I please, including flaccid dick on forehead guy but not limited to watermelon cunt head.
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
Nothing says male bonding like watching porn with your grandpa
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
He told me that when he bends me over that chair I remind him of a bull rider. So thanks for being the ex that helps my present sex life
We're friends with benifits... The benifits being I'm fucking her boyfriend
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
just saw two mice fucking on our bed...i think its time to find a new place to live
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
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