Someone told me they could tell we were from cincinnati because we say "as fuck" after adjectives
You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
it's all fun and games until somebody pulls the tampon string..
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
Do you think it would be a good idea to mention in my admissions essay that I was the guy that streaked across the soccer field last year?
Her mom caught her drunk streaking when she was 12. Of course she's perfect for me.
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
my spring break was before theirs and i literally fed him vodka all week, only stopping for class and bowls. like handles. i cant even think anymore, that chastity belt was hard to get off,
So I totally just used margarita salt for a body scrub.
Judging by the ckaw marks on my back i'm gonna go out on a limb and say that blonde chick was a werewolf. A sexy, kinky werewolf.
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
You are an awesome peach made of glitter.
He doesn't like Sabbath and that alone is a GIANT red flag. Learn from my experiences and never, I mean NEVER associate with people that hate Black Sabbath and Motörhead.
Sorry I blacked out in bed
it was real late and you were brushing your teeth with miller light. it was bound to happen.
Randomize
