Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
Waaait I'm alsleep in myt car somewhere
Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
oh man. maybe i should puke on his dick? just to test how much he loves me?
you're thinking of things to pack this weekend and you think Don King wig?
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
You rode him down the last flight of stairs like a human sled.
On that note I give you a 10 for sticking the landing and staying on the whole ride.
I CRIED after phone sex. Am I gay?
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
In case you're wondering where my head is at right now, it's wishing that I was getting laid and not having a debate about cheese.
In my drunk state I was like I ONLY HAD SEX WITH SOMEONE ELSE BECAUSE HE WAS THE HOTTEST GUY IVE EVER EVEN SEEN
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
I'm pathetic. I'm eating cream puffs in the bath and crying a little.
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
Randomize
