the $50 fast cash from checking button should just be retitled "8th of weed"
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
I can blatently call girls sluts here and they think i'm speaking norwegian
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
How bad is it if you swallow a really small piece of glass? Be optimistic if possible I'm anxious about it.
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
well i mean she can't stop a weed based friendship...its like a trying to stop a bomb or a really fast train...
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
He told me to take off work and bring a bathing suit. If this doesn't involve six flags hurricane harbor or sex in a hotel pool I'm going to be disappointed.
Rob and I are cross faded and the only one taking care of us is a drunk person who's making us dance.
Just scratched my head and I basically rained glitter.
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
Randomize
