i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
i love that we sang a whole new world together while you carried me through campus
do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
Not sure. We'll pass out on that bridge when we stumble to it.
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
Just paid off my possession ticket on 4/20. Helloooo awesome.
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
I was standing in my mom's kitchen in only my neon green thong, eating pizza over the garbage can, and sobbing while he was yelling at me.
I HAVENT HAD A NICE A NICE DICK SINCE FEBRUARY!! I WANNA KEEP THIS ONE!!!
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
I'm soaking her vibrators in tabasco and wasabi paste. "furious" is an understatement
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
Randomize
