You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
I do. There's a bald headed guy whose kinda hot. I might rub his head. I've only had 2 beers
When u wake up, don't be alarmed by the passed out mariachi band, they're cool. Muchos gracias
NO. NO LET HIS PENIS TOUCH YOU.
i woke up and saw you were brushing his hair naked. I can never pass out around you, man.
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
Dammit labor day drinking cancelled due to 3 inch long table saw cut to palm
Nothing is worse than post drunken playoff baseball loss sex
There should be a promo code on the Papa Johns website for "I have no moneys but if you send a cute delivery guy I will pay him in blow jobs."
Riding the train home at 6 am for class still drunk is losing its novelty in my junior year
Haha I wasn't coming anyway. I'm watching Snow White and don't want to put pants back on. Those are completely unrelated. Have a good night.
You're up at 3AM, right? I have a very important question.
You know the Wendy's on route 6, by Kohls? Do you know if it has a drive through?
Yes it does.
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
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