life lesson# 3: saying thank you on a subway really means "im not a native new yorker, so please feel free to touch my ass"
hmm. interesting. explain how you came across this knowledge.
i sneezed. he said bless you. i said thank you. he groped. i again said thank you.
My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
He texted me for drugs this time. Not sex. I dunno if I should be pleased it's not sex or disappointed that I come across as a druggie
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
Or maybe my penis is just the key to their locked boxes of crazy, and I unleash their wrath upon all of mankind just so I can get my nut off
FULL ON LADY WOOD. YOU CAN SEE THE VEIN
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
The Lion King Is on YouTube
Until 2 minutes ago I actually had a chance to pass my midterms... thanks alot
She walked up to me and whispered "I hope you're good at sex" and led me to the beach.
I'm just too horny to handle empty house
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