Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
Is it sanitary to roast marshmallows over a cigarette lighter?
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
just walked past a girl in her cap and gown puking her brains out beside a tree. her friends were taking pictures of her.
i drunkenly decided i was going to take down all the male cheerleaders, gay or not. 1 down about 10 more to go.
I may or may not juuuust be reaching the point where I find some humor from waking up in the parking lot at the standard.
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
For the first time ever I'll be using my lunch break to pass out cold on my desk. We've gotta stop having these late night drinking things on Sundays
My liver just had a heart attack.
Just woke up in his bed wearing only his shoes. I don't know how to gently say hey dude get the fuck up and take me home....regardless these are some nice shoes.
There should be a rule. If your dick is under 6 inches, you are not allowed to dress as Thor.
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
the dude in the apartments across the street got a video of me railing blake on your front steps last night
shit like this is why i dont let you drink vodka anymore ..
Randomize
