considering you've had every STD known to man, you think if i sent you a picture of my dick (no homo) you could tell me whats growing on it?
I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
I don't care what he thinks. My vagina has an open door policy.
I woke up and found 10 txts from him. All sent at 6:30 am, and all about the muffin man.
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
Last time we were that stoned we made a "everything you can fit in the blender" shake. Didn't end well..
He's nice but I'm a one bouncer kind of girl
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
I would also like you to tell your human bio class that I successfully smoked out the flu. 103 degree when I woke up yesterday. 100degree after one bowl. 4 more bowls and 16 hours later all that's left is a cough
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
its not even a love triangle. its a love square and it has come back to haunt me
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
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