Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
i'm not the one sitting naked in my room playing with my boobs and a cat.
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
Were taking his cast off tonite. Need a saw and a gameplan. Meet us at rosies in 30.
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
Spent 200 bucks on a stripper for a good night hug. I give up.
How dare you. Idk what you called me, and neither does google translate, but you better take it back.
The date officially concluded on the phrase "Nosh dat vag".
it was good, but also weird. like, i came four times and then cried weird.
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
Also we had sex while listening to fleetwood Mac on vinyl. Like the 70s called and told me to fuck off
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
Randomize
