He was all up on my grill like I was having a BBQ. I DONT EVEN KNOW HOW TO USE A GRILL.
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
Ok. Also I almost just threw up. Seriously. I was think to myself "really? Here? Now? At my work desk?" and then it went away.
Im holding a competition......who saw me last, and who knows how my nose got bruised? you earn points for answering either question. and for bringing me water.
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
Omg. I bid $3000 on a cave in Afghanistan on EBay last night.
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
Who would have guessed that her hair would be so flammable
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
I'm sure he likes you too... but your boyfriend is kind of a cockblock
She climbed in my window blew me and left. She's in my phone as the blow job fairy
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