I'm so horny!
I'm so hungry
WHAT A TERRIBLE REPLY!
For your pussy...
we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
moral of the story: I'm going to stab everyone
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
the people next to us in line are buying a 12 pack and a snuggie
Listening to Joy Division and applying for Walmart. You get to choose which one is more depressing.
in the past 3 nights i've fucked a millionaire, a drug dealer and a civil engineer... i dont really have a "type" anymore
God you people are gross. Come collect your unconscious friend.
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
If this were a real emergency kilted men wielding claymores and riding giant badgers would hve rescued said Guinness. So clearly this is just a hypothetical
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
You must have my penis confused with someone else's...which is disappointing
Smoked a joint with mom, best Thanksgiving ever!
Although, she is an extremely cool person. She put the "buddy" in "fuck buddy." And I mean that in the most respectful way possible.
Randomize
