im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
No, listening to the fray and drinking a bottle of jack daniels does not count as counseling
hot buttered vodka was not a success. on any level.
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
I will now send you explicit pics of mine and her genetalia bound together forever in the devils dance that is sexting.
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
Dude whoeverrs house this is has only creeam cheese and beer in the fridge. Thats my kinda diet
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
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