Did u know that at any givin time there r 46,948,952 drunk people in the world? Were not alone
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
His hospital is closing...I consider it "sorry you're losing your job" sex.
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
The guy that just projectile vomited over the balcony is now going down to find the pill he just puked up. He said he wasn't about to waste $15.
The forest. Magic mushrooms. Wind trees leaves sky. That is alll.
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
But hes like a baby bird with a broken wing that i want to FUCK.
She who has the vag holds all the power. He will learn one way or the other.
Bouncer came into the bathrooms to tell us the old one-person-per-stall rule, realised it was two girls banging, and left us to it. Lesbiperks.
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
I just woke up in a prom dress on your bathroom floor, yea I'm 32.
Randomize
