...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
i have to start hiding my credit card when i drink i woke up this morning with 4 emails from Farmville telling me i spent over $800 on coins last night
Careful when you walk in I'm laying by the door.
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
Im rolling face in a pizzeria. I want to be with people who love me.
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
So apparently using the emergency exit of the bar as a bathroom is frowned upon in this establishment...
You were peeing on a bus yelling fuck public transit, congratulations.
I did the walk of shame this morning and his mom hugged me in the driveway
Anyone see the sob who took the piñata?
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
She said she is going to be sex-slave version of Princess Leia for halloween. You think there is any way I could pull off an attractive Jabba suit?
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
He came over and fucked me while my conference call was on mute. Working from home is the best.
Randomize
