thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
this girl is like a spa retreat for my dick
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
Monday morning margarita madness at ny house. Yes before wheel of fortune. Yes day drinking.
So im guessing you dont remember the walk home, where you layed down in the alley and began to sing "threes company too" and when i told you to get up you had the nerve to tell me i was to drunk.
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
I think I just smoked a piece of your foot. Were u picking your feet by the weed?
Only you could make a reflective vest look even remotely sexy
I think you're my feminist conscience sometimes.
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
You don't need yoga. You need a boyfriend! Trust me I've become all sorts of flexible this past year.
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