did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
I thought she had blonde hair
No, Gonorrhea actually
Dual, econ, hell, shiv, aunt, puppy. 1 out of 6. T9 word needs to learn how to cuss like me.
When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
Also I'm so used to having sex with river guides that when he pulled out a condom I was actually surprised
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
He yelled "Go Ducks" while he came
They had like literally all the dildos. It looked like a seance for dick. I left the apartment and haven't been back.
It's something you'd find in the room outside of Ben Carson's sex dungeon
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
I'll tell you all about it in person but let's just say the big dick fairy must really like me right now
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