She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
Writing apology letters and leaving them on peoples doors for your actions is NOT what I want to be doing at 6am.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
And I really REALLY don't feel like cleaning cinnamon off my penis tonight.
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
You told me you had two boobs that want to be naked for me. I'm just following up on your request.
I always thought The Big Bang Theory wasa terrible show but that was before it came with blowjobs and pizza.
Remember Christopher who always sends me pictures of his penis? Look to your right, boy in the blue.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
do you remember your solution to not spill your drinks last night? .. Shots, that way you wouldnt have time to spill them. i love your drunken logic haha
Also food confession I ate an entire bag of starburst jelly beans today. and a plan B. All around think I hit all my nutrients
This is the fifth time tonight that girl has taken off my pants. Take me home. Now.
90% sure the total babe I have been talking to all night has a kid. Ugh, so sad right now.
Im so high
Just found a rebirth in peppermint schnapps. May be able to stay up all night and finish this paper after all. MERRY CHRISTMAS
You tryed convincing the salvation army bell ringer you could do the worm and face planted into the sidewalk... I put a dollar in the can for your performance
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