My right nipple has been called many things but never a ghost pig
im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
I cant remeber how long i've been laying here...it could be 10 minutes to a fucking day
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
We finally have the house to ourselves and your out playing Lance Fucking Armstrong
Any chance you used one if the curtain rods in the fireplace room as a sword? One is missing
There's holes in the drywall and the beer pong table is a broken door on two barstools. You know they like to party.
party devolved into two exes battling with Cal's tiki torches, and the lawn being set on fire kinda sorta and then we all hula'ed... hulaed?
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
So I've already made 5 bad decisions today, wyd?
Oh god...Did I just fuck a sugar granddaddy?!
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