I am puke
Does it still count as a "walk of shame" if it's only 1am?
One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
unlike you, ive never imagined darth vader masturbating
i dont know what to do
with your life?
no, with my silly bandz, im already wearing 3
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
I was riding her and she yelled "fuck me" then someone in the room next door yelled "you don't have to say it if youre doing it."
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
YOUR DICK HAS BEEN IN ME I DO NOT WANT TO BE SET UP TO MEET YOUR FRIENDS
I'm pretty sure I asked his brother if he was gay while drunkenly falling to the ground.
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
you had me at "meet me in the bathroom"
Randomize
