i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
We're using joints as your birthday candles
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
you're now officially the 3000 mile booty call. congrats.
Maverick's sitting in jail wearing a turkey costume and I am soooo jealous.
I need my comforter. Pls bring it to me and drape me in it like an animal pelt. Ps I'm naked.
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
Randomize
