You'll put your fingers inside me but you won't be my FB friend?
So she started giving everyone lap dances, and i was like "i think i like this chick"
dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
I didn't exactley write on my bucket list -- "hook up with a townie at a drivers intervention program"
I mean, keeping the tube socks on AND taking cell phone pictures that he didn't ask for during sex? that's two strikes kiddo.
I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU AND ITS NOT MY VAGINA
All I remember from last night is petting the broom with my feet and feeling like I was standing on a horses head
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
she was literally 3 feet away from the garbage can, said she couldn't make it, and then proceeded to vomit on the floor in front of everyone in the restaurant
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
I'm taking myself to the hospital right now b/c there is no way this erection is subsiding in the next 4 hours.
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
Randomize
