Like worst hickies ever he always gives them like wtf
I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
How does she give head with a nose like that? It looks like she has a plantain stuck in the middle of her face.
All the good ones are taken. All that's left is the Harry Potter geek or the asshole in the corner. I think I'll settle for Harry Potter.
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
I started rolling down the window so he pulled into a gas station and i puked all over the side of the car while some dude stared at me. I waved and we drove away
Why must everything this weekend have to do with something going into or coming out of my vagina?
The other guys kept waking up so I hid... Like, dick in mouth, hiding in his sleeping bag
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
I have never been that aroused while laughing my ass off in my life
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
Randomize
