dude. I'm so drunk.
pete, this is bryce's mom
I can't wait to have my cock in your ass
pete, this is still bryce's mom
My dignity? Collapsing on itself like a dying star.
My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
so while trying to be a healthier drunk i discovered that putting airborne in natty is not an advisable decision
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
I just introduced him to multiple male orgasms. I love wine AND tequila
thought i was the most hungover person in class until i saw a kid puke into his bookbag...he wins
Just ordered a clown who does balloon animals. No backing out now.
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
She devotes each year to either men or women. I waited all year for her to be straight, tonights the night.
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
Can't we have real sex instead of you just thrusting the air near me?
If magic marker is safe for kids, it should be safe for cats...right?
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
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