you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
You wrote me a letter and I cannot make out anything you wrote except the last sentence which says "tell the wolf ill meet him at sunset and that I'm sorrry"
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
his dad came out and found me sleeping indian style on the couch with my cup balancing on my boobs. didn't spill a drop.
I got mine. It's a truly beautiful penis. Plus he pulled his tongue muscle on my vagina.
I'm just planning on experiencing Disney as adult style as it gets. Drinking bloody mary's at dawn and telling all the kids waiting in lines how badly their future sucks and that Santa isn't real.
Currently shopping online for cardboard cutouts of various horror characters. That should teach me roommates to stop taking acid on Tuesdays.
Last I remember we played rock paper scissors for who would fuck the guy with cowboy boots on and I won..
You might have to deal with a coked up ex pan American gold medalist wrestler when you get back to the room
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
Santa tracker drinking game, you in or what?
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
Randomize
